I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
