How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
