Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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