when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You are a genius and a whore.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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