Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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