the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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