i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Less talking, more tequila
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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