if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Boobs speak an international language.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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