And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize