Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
