im drinking this country out of the recession.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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