saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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