ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
