Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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