Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
