In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
