Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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