Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize