I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
