Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
