I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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