So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
