he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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