last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize