He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
