My first STD was from a foam party
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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