If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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