Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
