I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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