This is not my ceiling
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
