I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Couch. On fire.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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