She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
