im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
