I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
