i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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