I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
where am i from again
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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