Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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