All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
