If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
