The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
