everyone is single if you try hard enough
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
