I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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