she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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