So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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