I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
