I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
In other news, I just burned my penis
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
