If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
