tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Who died my cat blue again?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
