so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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