my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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