wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She told me I should be a condom model.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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