no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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