Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
