i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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