I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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