My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
