It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
