I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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