oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
