Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
