Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
