Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
