my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize