I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
