wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
