Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
