when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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