his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm too high and old for this...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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