Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
