After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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