why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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